It was a Monday night, exactly one week after being fired that I got down to business. I knew for my own sake that I needed to begin the job search before I could relax and enjoy my kids for the summer. Because that was the consensus from just about everyone, relax and enjoy your “time off. ” Sounds good right, “time off?” Who doesn’t love time off? My brain however, had a hard time making the jump from being “fired” to enjoying my “time off.” It just wouldn’t compute. Was “time off” the new “fired” and because I have never ever in my life been fired I’m just out of the loop?
I knew better and honestly I couldn’t fault them for trying. But I wasn’t on vacation, I was in my own home with no schedule and no direction and no idea what to tell the nanny who was too polite to ask why I hadn’t changed my clothes or gone to work in just as many days. There was no way I could enjoy anything let alone relax until I got myself moving forward. And Monday night was the night, the self imposed deadline I created to help me get past the first brutal step, LinkedIn.
Filled with anxiety, I jumped on LinkedIn with one eye open and one eye closed. I was like a little kid watching their first horror flick in the neighbors basement. I had no idea what to expect and the suspense was killing me. I entered a few job searches selecting all the right fields and without too much effort I came across a job post that was my exact position, Director Of Operations in my industry, in Los Angeles, for the right pay and for a like minded company. I opened both eyes to investigate further and boldly sent an email introducing myself — hoping it would pass in lieu of a resume as mine had not been updated in 5 years — and went to bed ignoring the monsters in my head.
Sure enough I received a response from the owner of the line and sure enough she requested a resume. Ugh. It took me all of Tuesday to accomplish this for reasons I won’t bore you with but let’s just say it was 12 hours of technical difficulties, torture and the dreaded black screen.
I managed to send it just before midnight Tuesday evening and woke up to a request for an interview that day. It was a Wednesday and we agreed to meet at a bakery on Beverly in LA at 4.30. I was excited, I was positive and I was nervous. I needed to get out of the house but I had no where to go really, so I went to Barnes and Noble, a safe haven, with the intent of buying some kind of inspirational self help book. Yes, I said it, I went there with the intent of finding something somewhat outside my comfort zone to make me feel better and inspired and possibly give me a few tips on how to weather the storm I was in.
In short, I was hoping to find answers, decode my message from the universe, and figure out what my next move would be. And I completely expected to walk out with more than a hope and prayer — but what I wasn’t anticipating was being greeted by the staffs selection of inspiring literature for new grads as I walked through the door. It was a very unexpected but welcomed greeting that made me smile on the inside. Now, I was fully aware it was grad season because the television was cruelly bombarding me with tips on how to find that perfect job, what to expect entering the workforce, and how to budget until you find your job. It was beyond depressing but I listened in for anything that applied to me and was all set to sell myself short and take the first job that popped up, like it or not.
As I walked up to the table of inspirational reads for new grads, two books jumped out at me. The first because it is yellow. VERY CANARY yellow. And on top of the bright color, the title couldn’t be ignored. YOU are a BADASS HOW TO STOP DOUBTING YOUR GREATNESS AND START LIVING AN AWESOME LIFE BY JEN SINCERO. It literally screamed at me. So I ablighed and picked it up, flipped it over to read the back and tucked it under my arm. Done deal Jen Sincero, I’m in.
The second book that caught my attention looked more like an inspirational poster or an art piece than a book, which suited me fine. And it didn’t feel like a book either, with the thick cardboard cover. The Crossroads of Should and Must Find and Follow your Passion. Not quite as down to business as Badass but I was slightly uncomfortable thinking of myself as a badass anyway, having spent my previous week crying. The back of the book read, Starting out or starting over, making a career change or making a life change, the most life-affirming thing you can do is to honor the voice inside that says you have something special to give, and then heed the call and act. Many have traveled this road before. Here’s how you can to. Whoa. Luna, you had me at starting over! Read by over a quarter million readers (the essay) and tweeted to more than 5 million people? I eagerly tucked this one too under my arm and moseyed into the store a little deeper.
I was feeling pretty good until I found myself in front of the “personal wealth” section and promptly left. I turned the corner and landed in front of every book ever written (or so it seemed) on how to get a job or career or whatever form of employment you were looking for. I wanted to throw up so I decided to leave. But before I did one more book said, “wait! pick me! take me home!” A little orange and blue one called Born to Blog. Never in my life had I considered blogging but boy did I enjoy writing and blogs were all about writing, right? There was nothing special or unusual about the book’s appearance but I swear I had to buy it. So I added it to the pile and paid.
It was nearly 2:30 by the time I got home. Not enough time to take a shower before the interview but too much time to simply leave the house so I left anyway in hopes of beating the non existent traffic and found a parking spot with equal ease. I was early. Really really r e a l l y early. But I had my books in the car so…oh wait, nope, left them on the bed while contemplating the appropriateness of flip flops to an interview, dang it. 38 minutes to kill. Then I remembered Ella Luna’s book Crossroads of Should and Must said it was expand from an essay. Perfect, I’ll google the essay and there it was on a site I had never heard of called Medium. It was her personal “shot heard round the world,” and I dove in, never ever expecting what hit me. 
I finished the essay, twice, and looked at my watch, 12 minutes before my pre-determined time for just the right amount of early. An excited calm with a slight twitch of giddy propelled me into action. I took a deep breath, opened my yahoo email account and hit send on a short little email. Then I started my car, pulled away from my meter and called my husband.
“There are two paths in life: should and must. We arrive at this crossroads over and over again, and every day, WE GET TO CHOOSE.”
I chose Must. I jumped. Or drove, technically, away from Should and into Must, into the unknown. 
It simply hit me. I knew exactly where Should would take me, I had just spent the last 5 years touring Should. And while it had some really scenic stretches, I missed the voices in my head that kept me company when I dared to travel down Must. And it had been a really long time since I looked those old friends up but I felt I must, now.
I don’t know how to describe it really, but I was certain without a shadow of a doubt, this book found its way into my life for a reason. This book was part of the master plan, this book held answers. I simply knew it. And as I drove home with a shiny new smile on my face, the peaceful clarity gave way to a warm joy.
And then, on day 10, i got to work. On myself, on my thoughts on my passions. and this is when i realized how far from “safe” i really was. i was not only unemployed, i wasn’t even trying to become employed anymore. i was in uncharted territory, and because i had no map, i used the ones provided in the books i was devouring. i contracted my creative spaces
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